What Should I Do if My Husband Neglects My Needs?

Answered by Shaykh Muhammad Carr

Question

My husband spends most of his time alone, either playing games or watching television. He provides for me financially, but he ignores my emotional, physical, and mental needs. We have been married for four years, yet he has never considered my feelings or desires.

Whenever I express how I feel, he tells me to be patient. I try my best, but after keeping everything inside for so long, I eventually become overwhelmed and break down emotionally. Even then, he never apologizes; instead, he blames me.

Answer

In the name of Allah, the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful.

The emotional needs of a spouse are indeed an obligation of propriety and legal dignity (muru’aa), not to mention spirituality. These are the higher levels of Islamic guidance.

A woman is the Muslim’s mother and his sister; then she is his wife and his daughter. If a woman encompasses all of these roles under her wings, then who could be more cherished than her? [Abd al-Halim, Tahrir al-Mar’a]

Anti-Social Behavior

Your husband’s destructive antisocial behavior needs to be addressed head-on, albeit with wisdom. Wisdom is righting the wrong while maintaining the relationship without harm to oneself.

Impress upon him that addictions of whatever nature impair relationships.

Allah says, ‘And those from idle words are invariably turned away. [Quran, 23:3]

Ibn Ashur explains, ‘Turning away from all forms of idle talk and nonsense is a mark of seriousness and resolve. Whoever adopts seriousness in all their affairs will perfect their soul, and nothing but beneficial actions will proceed from them’. [Ibn Ashur, Tahrir]

Conselling

If you struggle to communicate your emotional and mental needs calmly and effectively to your husband, then I suggest that you both see a qualified and culturally sensitive marriage counselor.

If your husband becomes very defensive when you bring up the possibility of marriage counseling, please stay calm. His response is a common one.

Allah

There is a space in your heart that belongs solely to Allah. Your husband, and no human being, can fill that. Reflect on this.

Wake up before the entry of Fajr and pour your sorrow out to Allah. Perform the prayer of need and beg Allah to nourish your marriage, and to comfort you.

Commit to daily Qur’anic recital. Commit to a regular study practice.

Make your heart and your life full of love, compassion, and service, and I pray that your husband will learn from your good character.

I pray this is of benefit and that Allah guides us all.

[Shaykh] Muhammad Carr
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Muhammad Carr has dedicated his life to studying and transmitting our beautiful deen. His studies have taken him around the globe, where he has benefitted from many luminaries. Under the guidance of his teachers – Shaykh Taha Karan, Shaykh Yaseen Abbas, Shaykh Muadh Ali and many others – Shaykh Muhammad has grown to appreciate the beauty and benefits of diverse scholarship. He completed his memorization of the Qur’an at Dar al-Ulum Zakariyyah in September 1997 and received an Alimiyya Degree in 2006 from DUAI (Darul Ulum al-Arabiyyah al-Islamiyyah). He is also affiliated with Masjid Auwal in Bo Kaap, Cape Town (the oldest mosque in South Africa), where he serves as a co-imam, and Dar Al-Safa, where he has taught since 2018. As a teacher, he imparts the wisdom of our heritage and tradition by opening the door for students. As an imam, he has the unique opportunity to serve his community in daily life.

In addition to his roles as a teacher and imam, Shaykh Muhammad Carr has contributed significantly to the administrative and advisory aspects of Islamic institutions. Since 2023, he has served as the Administrative Director at The Imam Kurani Institute, contributing to the institution’s growth and development. He continues to pursue traditional Islamic Sciences, possessing a keen interest in Islamic Contract Law and Finance. Shaykh Muhammad has been a Shari’ah Board Member for Islamic Asset Management & Insurance Companies since 2001, aligning financial practices with Islamic principles.