What Do You Recommend for a Couple Married Two Years Who Can’t Get Along?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My marriage is deteriorating rapidly due to constant arguing, lack of respect, and financial instability. My husband belittles me for not working despite my efforts to contribute and his financial struggles. How can we address these issues and salvage our relationship?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I commend you for reaching out and not giving up on this marriage right away. Marriage takes lots of work, and now that the newlywed phase is over, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and start on it.
Muslim behaviour
Allah only wants one thing from us: to behave like Muslims. If you are fighting endlessly with your husband, it is not necessarily an indication that you should separate but instead that you should mend the marriage.
Mending the marriage is no easy task; it will require much effort, patience, research, trial, and error. But the fruits are well worth it. One must start with the intention to emulate the best of creation, take a course on marriage to learn one’s obligations and rights, read several books (written by Muslims and non-Muslims) on tactics and strategies, and then apply them to the best of one’s ability. Start with these resources below and try to read them with your husband.
Charity
Spending time with one’s wife is a great charity, sunna, and good deed. The fact that he accuses you of only spending his money is ridiculous. His job is to provide for you.
Narrated Abu Huraira (may Allah be well pleased with him): A man came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said, “I have a Dinar.” He said, “Spend it on yourself.” He said, “I have another.” He replied, “Spend it on your children.” He said, “I have another.” He replied, ”Spend it on your wife.” He said, “I have another.” He replied, ”Spend it on your servant.” He said, “I have another.” He replied, “You know best (what to do with it).“ [Abu Dawud & Nasa’i]
“No man earns anything better than that which he earns with his own hands, and what a man spends on himself, his wife, his child, and his servant, then it is charity.” [Ibn Maja]
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “It is shockingly wicked for a person to withhold from those he is to provide for.” [Muslim]
Du`a
Turning to Allah is essential with regular prayer five times a day, dhikr, du`a, and the Prayer of Need. Being patient, anger management, and showing softness are paramount. Usually, when one party starts being positive, the other picks up on it quickly and follows. I pray that this is the case, as I can only advise you and not him.
Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
Resolving Conflict Between Husband and Wife
Will Allah Forgive Me For Fighting With My Husband?
Should I Divorce My Husband If All We Do Is Argue?
Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
25 Years’ Worth of Marriage Advice: Hina Khan-Mukhtar
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
