Should a Pubescent Child Tell His Parents About Same-Sex Attraction and Doubts About Islam?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Merciful and Compassionate.

Thank you for your question. Puberty is a difficult time and a child should be taught the importance of self-control, Islamic guidance and morality regarding the subject without being judged harshly.

Understanding Feelings Before and During Puberty

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

“The pen has been lifted from three: for the sleeping person until he awakens, for the boy until he becomes a young man, and for the mentally insane until he regains sanity.” [Tirmidhi] This applies to girls who become young women, too.

Before puberty, children can experience a range of emotions, attractions, and curiosities that can sometimes be confused with sexual feelings.

It’s important to approach these feelings with understanding, and a child should not be judged harshly for questioning their feelings. This is the best time to learn Islamic principles of modesty, marriage, respect, and morality, and learn what Muslims must refrain from. This includes training the child in lowering the gaze, especially on screens, and teaching children to avoid looking up to negative role models.

The Role of Parents

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]

Parents should foster a safe home environment where their children feel comfortable discussing their struggles and doubts. Parents must respond with kindness and compassion rather than anger or rejection. They must teach them what Islam says about sexuality, and they can also employ the help of a Muslim counselor or imam to fill in the gaps. It’s crucial that shyness not get in the way of this, as excessive shyness can prevent learning.

Seeking Support and Counsel

An adult struggling with same-sex attraction can seek support from a knowledgeable and compassionate friend or mentor, because no one should go through this alone. We, as Muslims, are instructed to seek knowledge from experts and ask those who know if we do not know. Any adult or child who struggles with this should be encouraged not to engage in sinful behavior but to seek to satisfy themselves through what is halal. Sharing personal experiences, especially about overcoming struggles with same-sex attraction, can be very inspiring. They should keep it confidential.

Approach Parents about Doubts

Parents should create a safe space where their children can ask questions about Islam because this will strengthen their faith. A valuable resource for these kinds of doubts is “Why Islam Is True.”

And Allah knows best.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

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Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.