Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
My daughter is a narcissist who has abused me emotionally for years. I mustered the courage to cut her off. I’m looking for an Islamic perspective. Is it okay to break off contact with her?
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and suffering at the hands of your daughter, and I pray that you can come to an understanding with her.
The Prophet said: “Do not cut off one another, nor desert one another, nor hate one another, nor envy one another. Be you, O worshippers of Allah, brothers. It is not lawful for the Muslim to shun his brother for more than three(days).” [Tirmidhi]
‘A’isha reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off.” [Ahmad]
This is the default ruling about cutting off ties of kinship in Islam, it is very serious, but there are exceptions, and from what you describe, you fall into that category.
The Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and give him peace, quoted Allah Almighty Himself to have said, “Truly, I have made it forbidden on Myself to wrong anyone; and I have made it severely forbidden for you! So do not oppress each other!“ [Muslim]
If your daughter is emotionally abusing you, it is obligatory to protect yourself from this abuse. It is not mandatory for you to subject yourself to her harm, and you should take the means to reduce interaction to the point where you are safe. However, I encourage you to pray istikhara about how long to do this and plan to return to a healthy relationship with her when possible. Perhaps she only needs a month, two months, six months, etc., to realize that she is harming herself.
Please see these links as well:
10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Teenage Daughter
Turn to Allah
Find solace in this hadith: The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
I advise you to rectify your religion as best as you can while she is cut off. Pray on time, read Quran daily, cover correctly and seek to purify your tongue and heart. Gain knowledge of Islam and practice as best as you can. Shun the haram and makruh (disliked), and you will find yourself in a better state in order to deal with her next time, by the grace of Allah. Include in your daily bedtime routine some moments of gratitude, repentance and sincere dua.
Please see this as well:
Can a Single Mother Distance Herself from Her Abusive Adult Children?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.