What If Marriage Falls Through After Istikhara?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

Two months ago, I prayed istikhara about a woman who intended to marry me, and I wanted the same.

I had a good dream, a good feeling, and a settled mind, which I understood to be the signs to look for; she said her istikhara gave her the same, and last month we fell out and are no longer in contact.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

I am sorry. Nothing went wrong in your prayer, and your istikhara was not refused: it was answered on the branch you least wanted.

Read back the words you actually said. Jabir (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) taught the Companions this prayer for their affairs, the way he taught them a chapter of the Quran.

It opens, “O Allah, I seek Your guidance by Your knowledge, and I seek Your empowerment by Your power, and I ask You of Your immense bounty.” Then it puts two branches before Allah.

If the matter is good for you in your religion, your livelihood, and the outcome of your affair, you asked Him to ordain it, make it easy, and bless you in it.

And if it is not, you asked Him, “then turn it away from me and turn me away from it, and ordain for me what is good wherever it may be, then make me pleased.” [Sahih al-Bukhari]

You did not ask to be told the answer. You asked Allah to choose, and then to bring about what He chose. Badr al-Din al-Ayni (Allah have mercy on him) reads the opening word exactly so: you are asking Him for “the good in what I have resolved upon, and that You choose for me the better of the two matters.” [Badr al-Din al-Ayni, Sharh Sunan Abi Dawud]

So the matter was turned away. By the words of your own supplication, that is not a failed istikhara; it is one answered on its second branch: there is a Divine Promise, through the Beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), that this outcome is for your good, if you accept it as such.

The Dream Was Never the Mechanism

You read a good dream, a good feeling, and a settled mind as a promise. Many are taught it that way, and you took it in good faith, so let me correct it gently. There is no dream anywhere in the supplication above.

A settled mind afterward is a mercy and often a good sign, but it was never given to us as the instrument. The instrument is in the words: You choose, and make it easy.

Which is why the answer shows in what happens next. Ease is how a matter decreed for you shows itself; obstruction is how a matter turned away shows itself. That both of you prayed and both felt peace does not overturn it.

It means He granted you both the calm to keep walking, until He closed the door.

You Know What You Lost, and Not What You Were Spared

Allah Most High says, “And it may well be that you hate something, and it is better for you, and may well be that you love something, and it is worse for you; And Allah well knows, and you know not.” [Quran 2:216; Keller, The Quran Beheld] The two are not equally visible to you.

Notice too the clause people skip. Having asked Allah to turn the matter away, you asked Him to ordain the good wherever it may be, and then to make you pleased. You prayed for contentment in the same breath, and that part is still being answered.

Grieve It, Then Move

Do not go looking for what you did to deserve this. A closed door is not always a punishment, and it is often a protection whose shape you will never be shown. “And whoever fears Allah, He grants him a way out of every plight, and provides for him whence he could not even guess.” [Quran 65:2–3; Keller, The Quran Beheld] You are not meant to be able to see it from where you are standing.

Grieve it properly, and give it time. When the next serious matter comes, pray istikhara again with the same trust, then take the ordinary means: consult people who know you well, look honestly at the practicalities, and move. Read the answer in how the road opens or closes, not in how you feel on the night.

May Allah give you more than you lost and make you pleased with what He chose.

And Allah knows best.

[Shaykh] Faraz Rabbani

Related Answers

• [SeekersGuidance, Why Did I End Up in Pain Even after Following the Istikhara?] — Establishes that pain following a good istikhara does not mean the prayer misled you.

• [SeekersGuidance, How Do I Know The Answer to Istikhara?] — Establishes ease and obstruction, rather than dreams, as how the answer shows itself.

• [SeekersGuidance, Why Was My Istikhara Positive If Our Marriage Is Miserable?] — Establishes that a good istikhara promises no easy outcome.

• [SeekersGuidance, Istikhara, The Prayer of Seeking Guidance: The Ultimate Guide] — The full treatment of the prayer, its wording, and how its answer is read.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.

Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan.

In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era.

Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs.

Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature.

His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.

النصوص  ·  Source-Texts

[صحيح البخاري، رقم ١١٦٢]

«عَنْ جَابِرِ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللهِ رضي الله عنهما قَالَ: «كَانَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم يُعَلِّمُنَا الِاسْتِخَارَةَ فِي الْأُمُورِ كَمَا يُعَلِّمُنَا السُّورَةَ مِنَ الْقُرْآنِ، يَقُولُ: إِذَا هَمَّ أَحَدُكُمْ بِالْأَمْرِ، فَلْيَرْكَعْ رَكْعَتَيْنِ مِنْ غَيْرِ الْفَرِيضَةِ، ثُمَّ لِيَقُلِ: اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ، وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ، وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ، فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ، وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ، وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ، اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي، أَوْ قَالَ: عَاجِلِ أَمْرِي وَآجِلِهِ، فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي، وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي، ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ، وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ لِي، فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي، أَوْ قَالَ: فِي عَاجِلِ أَمْرِي وَآجِلِهِ، فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي، وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ، وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ، ثُمَّ أَرْضِنِي. قَالَ: وَيُسَمِّي حَاجَتَهُ»»

[بدر الدين العيني، شرح سنن أبي داود]

«أطلب منك الخير فيما هممت به، وأن تخير لي أصلح الأمْرين»