Can I Marry a Married Man as a Female Revert Secretly without Telling My Guardians?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a Muslim revert of only 3 years. My parents are atheists, but I have a biological uncle who lives abroad, and he is a Muslim. I want to marry a man who is already married with children, he wants a simple nikah just like me. I do not wish to involve my uncle because he makes me uncomfortable, and he will gossip to the whole family. I only see my uncle when I am in Dubai, and we are not close.
I just want to go and quietly marry this guy. Is it permissible to find another wali so that I don’t need to involve my uncle, or do I have to wait until Allah finds me someone else? What should I do? I have done istikhara.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I pray that Allah guides you to the best situation.
Firm Decision?
I want to ask whether you have weighed all the considerations in marrying this man. Is this your firm decision? Have you decided how to tackle issues of jealousy, sharing the husband, how to live as a co-wife, and how to tell your parents? Was your istikhara positive? How long have you known this man, and why do you wish to perform this nikah quietly? Will you be a secret second wife? Think carefully about these questions. Please see these links for more information:
- Can the Man I Love Take Me as a Second Wife Despite His Mother’s Disapproval?
- Can I Be the Second Wife to an Already Married Man With Children?
Learn First
If you have decided to go through with this marriage, first take this marriage course to ensure that you have learned the rights and responsibilities involved:
- Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
- Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
Wali/Guardian
As for choosing a wali for your marriage, your uncle would be the best alternative because he is your closest Muslim male relative, and I recommend that you include him despite your discomfort. Marriage is a serious affair, and it is in your best interest to involve an older Muslim relative who cares for you or at least can get involved if problems arise.
Although your father is non-Muslim, you must still tell him that you are getting married in order to avoid the sin of disrespect, and it entails good etiquette that your parents be present.
Please see these links about a wali or guardian to conduct your marriage:
- What Are the Minimum Steps That Must Be Taken for a Marriage to Be Valid?
- Is It Valid to Marry in Secret?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
