How Do I Deal With an Angry and Rebellious Wife?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

For over a decade, I have done the best I can, in dealing with my wife who is self-centered, rebellious, and tempestuous for the sake and protection of our children who are also targets of her constant storms.

However, despite all advice and admonitions, there is no abatement, and there are constant claims that I have denied her “her rights.” My worship is for Allah only and I refuse to worship her. Though I have been rendered penniless, I must save my children.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have endured such a rocky relationship and that your children have been hurt in the process. I pray that you find a solution to this situation, for the sake of everyone’s mental wellness.

Rebellious Wife

I am not sure what you mean by “taghut”, as this term is mainly used for false idols, false judges, and the sort, but you might be referring to “nushuz.” It sounds to me, after only hearing your side, that your wife is rebellious, so please read this and take the necessary steps in order to admonish her:
How Can I Help My Mother Despite My Abusive Father?
Defining Ill-Conduct (Nushuz) in Marriage.

Options

You must be aware that your options are only two. You could pray istikhara about leaving her and taking the children, or stay with her and try new methods of reconciliation. Many endure difficult marriages until the children are older and then separate. You might also move out and live separately for a while to see how it feels and if separation gives you the peace that you need.

It never is too late to reconcile and I recommend that you use all the following resources:

Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage

Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
How Do I Deal With My Verbally and Physically Abusive Wife?

Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage

Article Suggestions:
How to Reconcile
10 Steps For Successful Marital Reconciliation After Separating

Turn to Allah

I encourage you to repent for your own sins, and I encourage you to change yourself for the better. Turn to Allah with your pain and suffering. Commit to learning Islam correctly; there are many free courses here that you can take. Commit to praying on time, reading a bit of the Quran daily, and spending time with your children and with pious friends who inspire you to be better, and to be patient. Don’t be dragged down, and be the man that you want to be.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.