Does It Upset Allah Most High That I Don’t Love My Father?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I can’t love my father anymore. He treats me and my mother very horribly, always humiliating us, and has a very foul mouth. He takes pride in hurting & slashing other people with his terrible behavior and ability to knock someone down emotionally and spiritually. With a lot of financial crises and family life issues, his already awful temper is skyrocketing drastically.

I just can’t feel any affection towards him anymore. I don’t even like him. I treat him with respect because I don’t want to upset Allah, and I don’t want to have my future kids pay it back to me. What should I do? Am I upsetting Allah like this?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration. I am sorry that you have to go through such a hard time with him when he should be showering you with love and support.

Patience

Being kind and polite and holding back your tongue with your father is excellence. He is very lucky to have a daughter like you, and I encourage you to continue to be patient with his arrogance and criticism. Your reward for putting up with him will be tremendous, by the grace of Allah, and you will find that when you are older and married with kids, your relationship will probably improve much. I recommend that you counter his criticism with kindness and a gift occasionally, this will usually shame a person into silence and soften their heart. There is no sin on you at all for not loving him, Allah only asks you to show him filial piety outwardly.

Abuse

A parent is prohibited from abusing their children in our religion. When he starts his abuse, excuse yourself, and leave. Say that you are not feeling well and don’t engage him. Ask other family members to intervene if possible. Perhaps ask a scholar to speak to him. Minimize the time you spend at home, if possible, and make du‘a that you can eventually move out, perhaps through marriage. Consider telling him that he must stop slashing you and that you will not listen to it anymore. He may not take it well at first, but eventually, he will think about your words, and perhaps respect you for standing up for yourself and your mother.

Turn to Allah

Turn to Allah first, give a little in charity consistently, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslima that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends you that He cannot solve, so ask for His Mercy, Kindness, and guidance to find a solution. He will surely come to your aid. Try journaling; once you get your emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and pinpoint how to heal. Spend time with good friends who are a positive and religious influence on you. Exercise, take your supplements, and get very fresh air every day. Do not ever let your physical health suffer.

Keep your hopes up and know that Allah’s promise is true in the Quran: “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]

Du‘a of the Oppressed

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.

Please see these links as well:

• Can I Hate My Father?
• How to Deal with an Abusive and Irreligious Father?
• Can I Ask My Father To Stop Talking to Me Unless He Needs My Help?
• Goodness to Parents – A Reader

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.