Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I know how highly regarded parents are in Islam, and I’ve always treated them with the utmost respect, but my mother is extremely mentally abusive and was physically abusive as well. She is so abusive mentally and always brings Allah Most High into whatever abuse she’s inflicting, to the point where she’s pushing me away from my religion.
I struggle with mental illnesses, and her abuse causes me to self-harm daily, and we haven’t spoken since July. A few days ago she tried to speak to me (she is still abusive) but I simply cannot, because I know if we speak I will sin by replying rudely. She has truly ruined me to the point of attempting suicide, is it okay for me to not speak to her? Will Allah hate me?
Thank you for your question. May Allah aid you in healing from this trauma and know that you are loved by Allah and that you have every reason and right to go on living with happiness and peace.
It is permissible to cut off ties with anyone that is harming or abusing you. However, in the spirit of goodness to parents, I advise you not to cut her off forever. After some therapy and healing, and many supplications, you should figure out a way to minimally interact with her, again. For now, you should protect yourself and keep yourself safe. Please make an effort to see a therapist or psychiatrist for your issues, your safety is number one.
What you should do is be the absolute best that you can be, in your this-worldly affairs and in your religion. Educate yourself, exercise, eat healthily, gain sacred knowledge, commit to all of your religious obligations, supplicate to Allah before dawn, serve those around you, pray for your parents, and adorn yourself with good character. When you do all of this and focus on Allah’s good pleasure, and are grateful, more blessings will come your way, and you will find peace even with your chaotic family.
Please use these resources for mental wellness and healing:
Mental Health Archives
Being Balanced – Emotional and Mental Health- Shaykh Abdurrahim Reasat
How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?
How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
How Do I Deal with My Abusive, Toxic, and Mentally Ill Mother
Can I Stop Seeing My Mother Who Manipulates Me and Doesn’t Defend Me?
Prayer of Need
Find solace in this hadith: The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.