Can I Stop Seeing My Mother Who Manipulates Me and Doesn’t Defend Me?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I’m a 21-year-old woman whose parents got divorced when I was 6 years old. I’ve always lived with my father because he treats me with respect, which was not the case with my mom. When I was younger, she would abuse me physically, verbally, and psychologically. She is now living with her husband that never liked me and makes racist comments, even though I’ve been kind to him. Recently, I did my best to forgive my mom and I spent 3 weeks at her house. He was constantly humiliating me by using sarcasm, out of jealousy. She did nothing about that when she knew he was making me cry.

I don’t want to see them anymore, my mom is neglecting my feelings and hasn’t stopped manipulating me.

Am I allowed to stop seeing my mom?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am so very sorry for the tragic way that your mother is treating you and I pray that you find solace in the love and mercy of Allah and His Messenger.

Severing Ties

No Muslim is obliged to subject themselves to any kind of abuse from anyone. If I were you, I would reduce my visits, but I would call her regularly so that she doesn’t feel cut off. You are actually trying to avoid contact with her husband more than anything else, so you should take care to have better timing when visiting. Can you visit only when he is at work? Can you only make short visits? Like one/two hour visits and schedule some activity where you are both doing an activity together like cooking, cleaning, or doing yard work? Considering her behavior, staying with her for three weeks sounds like a nightmare, so you should tweak the length of your stay to protect yourself from being set up to get hurt.

Please remember this important hadith. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “The one who severs ties will not enter Paradise.” [Tirmidhi]

Steps

  • Turn to Allah through patience, prayer, and supplication and the Prayer of Need before dawn.
  • Read Quran daily with the meaning and give charity regularly, even if only a little to increase the blessings in your life and to learn wisdom
  • Don’t make dua against your mother and stepfather, rather make dua for them so that your heart may start to soften toward them, and Allah might change their hearts
  • Speak to your mother about your pain politely and explain to her that you need her to defend you so that visiting her can be bearable.
  • Be assured that relationships with parents improve over time, so you can expect and pray that your mother will be quite different when she sees you as a grown married woman with kids.

Supplication of the Oppressed

Find solace in this hadith: The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]

Please see these links as well:
My Mother Is Making Me Lose My Mind
How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
How Can I Cope with My Abusive and Condescending Mother?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.