Is It Obligatory to Obey a Narcissistic and Abusive Mother?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

Am I obligated to obey a narcissistic mother who mistreats and emotionally harms me, and is it permissible to confront her and speak the truth?

Answer

Thank you for your question. It is not obligatory to unconditionally obey parents in the first place; it is obligatory to be good to them. Unfortunately, confrontation rarely works with people who have a narcissistic personality disorder.

Obedience and Abuse

Although Allah Most High commands us to be good to our parents, and especially our mothers, the obligation doesn’t include enduring neglect, oppression, control, abuse, or unconditional obedience. It is obligatory to protect yourself from her harm. You are right that not everyone has a loving and nurturing mother, and I pray that you will be different with your children.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Help your brother whether he is an oppressor or an oppressed,” A man said, ‘O Allah’s Messenger! I will help him if he is oppressed, but if he is an oppressor, how shall I help him?’ The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘By preventing him from oppressing (others), for that is how to help him.’ [Bukhari]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said,

“There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja]

And the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Whoever harms others, Allah will harm him, and whoever causes hardship to others, Allah will cause hardship to him. [Abu Dawud]

Narcissism

A narcissistic personality disorder is probably one of the hardest personalities to deal with, along with Bipolar, Borderline Personality disorder, and others. It’s defined as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), a need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts … as indicated …. by the following:

• Wanting to be admired
• Having a sense of entitlement
• Being exploitative
• Lacking empathy
• Being envious
  
• Arrogance
• A disregard for personal boundaries
• Failure to realize that others do not exist merely to meet their needs. A narcissist will often treat others, especially those that are close to him as if they are there to fulfill his needs and expectations.

Commit to Allah

With any problem in life, one must turn to Allah. Allah is the one who made him like that, and only He can take it away or give you the means to deal with it. Start first with fulfilling your obligations to Allah and those around you with excellence. You should pray on time, review your personally obligatory knowledge, make dhikr daily, and read and reflect on the Quran daily.

Eliminating the haram and makruh from our lives is a lifelong process, and we should all strive toward that. Giving charity regularly is key because the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Tirmidhi]

Supplication

Supplicate often and at auspicious places and times for guidance on how to deal with her. The last hour of Friday (before maghrib), between the adhan and iqama of each prayer, and of course, tahajjud are all times that we should make use of. Complaining to Allah is what the Prophets did, and that is the best course, as they were our best examples always.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“When half of the night or two-thirds of it is over. Allah, the Blessed and the Exalted, descends to the lowest heaven and says: Is there any beggar so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? (And Allah continues it saying) until it is daybreak.“ [Muslim]

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother

Here are some tips that I found:

• Get into good therapy. You want to come to terms with her for who she is and how she hurt you. She’s your mother, after all, and you will need to differentiate from her to enjoy her presence without being undermined. It’s no small task.
• Accept her for who he is. Her arrogance and constant need for ego-stroking are difficult. If you put her into place in your mind, she will end up being a lovable but annoying mother. Take the best, as long as she doesn’t still have the power to hurt you.
• Do not let her hurt you. If she rages, leave the situation and don’t engage. Limits are a good thing. Say, “Mom, this is not constructive.”
• Reduce interaction when she is too toxic, dangerous, violent, or abusive. It goes along with their self-righteousness. You are now an adult. If visits are harmful, call instead of visiting, or keep visits short and more infrequent.
• Keep your expectations realistic and low. Don’t expect a relationship of mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and can’t put your needs on par with their own. As an adult, you can keep these conflicts with your her at a distance. Give nice gifts, but don’t expect any gifts back, and know that anything you do for him is purely for the sake of Allah.
• Never let a narcissist determine your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive information. When you share your important achievements, don’t expect praise or compliments. Your reward will be with Allah, in sha Allah.
• Sometimes, compliance is the simplest way to deal with a narcissistic parent. Sometimes, it’s easier and requires less effort to comply with most of his wishes. It may not be worth the fight.
• Sometimes, you can assert your authority and challenge hers, but you must remain respectful according to your religion. Narcissists get away with their behaviour because others (passively) allow them to. You may need to adopt an authoritative stance and firmly impress upon her that her demeaning attitude is unacceptable. You are no longer a child and are not as vulnerable to her rejection or anger. Be prepared for pushback. Narcissistic people hate criticism.

Set Boundaries

The tips above should help, but you might still feel drained from dealing with her. Changing her is nearly impossible, and you just have to deal with her with patience, kindness, and sometimes, silence. Of course, you may speak up and disagree with her, but do so politely and expect little to no effect. Don’t accept any mistreatment. Instead of speaking about things that will cause a fight, change the topic to something else she enjoys. Move out as quickly as you can.

Remember this important hadith.

“The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Majah]

Self-Care

Always make time for self-care when you are stressed out. Do something you enjoy, spend time with pious people, worship Allah peacefully, and give thanks for your many blessings. Thank Allah Most High that her narcissism didn’t pass on to you. As long as you are grateful, Allah will increase you, and patience is key. Allah Most High has told us in the Quran:

“O you who believe! Seek help with patience and prayer. [Quran, 2:153]

Dua

Please say this dua regularly:

اللّهُـمَّ إِنِّـي أسْـأَلُـكَ العَـفْوَ وَالعـافِـيةَ في الدُّنْـيا وَالآخِـرَة ، اللّهُـمَّ إِنِّـي أسْـأَلُـكَ العَـفْوَ وَالعـافِـيةَ في ديني وَدُنْـيايَ وَأهْـلي وَمالـي ، اللّهُـمَّ اسْتُـرْ عـوْراتي وَآمِـنْ رَوْعاتـي ، اللّهُـمَّ احْفَظْـني مِن بَـينِ يَدَيَّ وَمِن خَلْفـي وَعَن يَمـيني وَعَن شِمـالي ، وَمِن فَوْقـي ، وَأَعـوذُ بِعَظَمَـتِكَ أَن أُغْـتالَ مِن تَحْتـي

O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness and Your protection in this world and the next.

O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness and Your protection in my religion, in my worldly affairs, in my family and wealth. O Allah, conceal my secrets and preserve me from anguish. O Allah, guard me from what is in front of me and behind me, from my left, and my right, and from above me. I seek refuge in Your Greatness from being struck down from beneath me. [Ibn Maja; Abu Dawud]

Please see more details here:

• How Can I Go On With This Abusive Mother?
• My Mother Emotionally Abuses Us and Her Husband
• How Can I Manage My Abusive Mother Now That I’m Engaged?
• How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?
• How Do I Deal with Emotional Abuse from My Mother?
• My Mother Emotionally Abuses Us and Her Husband
  Abusive, Toxic, and Mentally Ill Mother
  How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
  How Do I Deal with Emotional Abuse from My Mother?
  My Mother Is Making Me Lose My Mind
  How Can I Cope with My Abusive and Condescending Mother?
• Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance
• Is Giving Advice to Parents Disobeying to Them?
• When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.