How Can I Manage My Abusive Mother Now That I’m Engaged?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’ve endured years of physical and emotional abuse from my mother, which has deeply affected my mental health. At 24, she continues to harm me, and it’s impacting my relationship with my fiancé. How can I navigate this situation while maintaining my well-being and fulfilling my Islamic duties?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain, and I pray that you can protect yourself and, now, your fiance from her abuse, it is impermissible for her to go on like this.
Abuse
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said, “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja]
And the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever harms others, Allah will harm him, and whoever causes hardship to others, Allah will cause hardship to him. [Abu Dawud]
It is prohibited for your mother to abuse you emotionally or physically, and it is obligatory for you to prevent this abuse however you can. She has no right to harm you, and she must understand that you are a grown lady now, and she will be accountable for evil treatment. Can you speak to your father to help you? Can you engage her less often? Can you remove yourself from the situation?
Navigate
The way to navigate it is to sit down with her and tell her that she no longer can treat you this way. Ask her to be patient, and tell her that you need her to be a friend and advise you about marriage now. If you seek help through Allah, you will find a way out. If your mother can’t change, make a plan to move out as soon as you can, and ask your fiance/husband to help you heal. Plan to see therapist, or other professional and don’t repeat the cycle of abuse.
Courage
Know that Allah’s promise is true in the Quran: “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]
Du`a
As a victim, you must supplicate frequently because the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Please see more details here:
– My Mother Emotionally Abuses Us and Her Husband
– Abusive, Toxic, and Mentally Ill Mother
– How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
– How Do I Deal with Emotional Abuse from My Mother?
– My Mother Is Making Me Lose My Mind
– How Can I Cope with My Abusive and Condescending Mother?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.