How Do I Start To See My In-Laws Again After We Decided Not To See Them?

Shafi'i Fiqh

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

Four months ago, my husband and I got married, and two months ago, we found out we were having a baby. However, I miscarried last month, and on the day I miscarried, my in-laws came to check up on us and had very bad stuff to say about why I had a miscarriage. It was getting to me, and my husband said he was not allowing me to visit his family anymore due to the horrible things they were saying. Ever since then, I haven’t visited my in-laws. I feel really bad, and I don’t want to disobey Allah by hurting others, but on the other hand, they say hurtful things, especially when they accuse us of fornication.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration at how your in-laws are treating you, but I commend your husband for wanting to protect you and defend your honor.

No Sin

Not speaking to your in-laws right now is not sinful, as you are obeying your husband, which is obligatory. Give it some time, and in sha Allah, the relationship with them will improve. Please see your religious obligations to your husband here:

What Are My Obligations in Obeying My Husband in the Shafi’i School?
Is Veneration Of the Husband Misogynistic?

Cutting Ties

It is impermissible for your husband to cut ties with his parents. Despite their rudeness, he should minimally stay in touch with them and mend ties with them first, and later on, you can introduce them back into your life. Perhaps this time apart will be good for you and give you sufficient time to heal. A miscarriage usually requires three months of rest and recuperation. During this time, they will also realize the standard for how they must treat you in the future and that they are accountable for what they say.

‘Aisha reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship, Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off. ” [Bukhari, Al-Adab al-Mufrad]

Please see these links as well:

Can I Break Relations With Abusive In-Laws?
Cutting Ties to In-laws

Reunion

When you have them back in your lives, come up with some coping mechanisms to deal with your in-laws. Keep your visits or phone calls short at first. Don’t bring up any past issues with them. If they try to disrespect you, you should respond to it with silence, change the subject, or by leaving their presence. Always turn to Allah in supplication and prayer, and ask Him to soften their hearts. This harshness with a new daughter-in-law usually fades away with time, and with children, things will get better by the grace of Allah.

Keep in mind this hadith when dealing with people. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Majah]

Best Wife

Please remember this hadith and strive to be the best wife: It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything with regard to herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.