Can I Still Marry My Boyfriend Despite Hurting Him?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
After committing mistakes in a relationship, I regret my actions and seek to change and follow Islam properly. Can I still hope to marry the person, and what is the right way forward?
Answer
Thank you for your question. Yes, you can still hope to marry him. Your priority must be to transform your life for Allah’s good pleasure, and then submit to whatever your Lord sends your way.
Marriage
The first step is to pray istikhara to see whether this man is right for you. Already being in love with him is not reason enough. Does he fulfill the criteria mentioned by the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace)? One must choose a spouse for religion.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or her piety. Select the pious; may you be blessed!“ [Bukhari; Muslim] This applies to both genders.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) also told us,
“Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.” [Abu Dawud]
Don’t act blindly, but put thought, reflection, and dua into this. Once you ascertain that your istikhara is positive, you should not date him anymore; instead, pursue marriage. Inform him that you have changed yourself and that you want to continue to learn. If he responds positively, pursue it; if not, then be ready to move on.
Islam
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Allah says: ‘I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e., I can do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.’” [Bukhari]
Make a point to learn your personally obligatory Islamic knowledge and read and reflect on the Quran every day. Follow the outward rules of Islam, such as hijab, purification, prayer, fasting, and zakat, and strive to purify your heart through dhikr, reflection, tawba, and dua. If Allah deems it good for both of you, He will make it easy. Trust His plan and put Him above all else.
Dua
Please make this dua regularly:
اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَا أَنْتَ
“O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for a blink of an eye. Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship except You.” [Abu Dawud]
Please see more details here:
- Marrying My Boyfriend
- Should I Marry My Practicing Ex-Boyfriend?
- How Can I Be Sure That the Man I Love Is Right for Me?
- Should a Couple in a Sinful Relationship Get Married? [Video]
- Was I Destined Not to Marry the Person I Was in a Relationship With?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
