Should I Pursue Marriage with a Boy That My Mother Told Me to Cut Off?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
We both brought each other closer to Allah and Islam and wanted to marry each other, but my mother is highly against it as, in my family, marriage after university is the only thing allowed. We have different family backgrounds; he has a family business, but he is studying further as he knows my family will not accept him without a degree.
My mother found out about us and is not open to discussion and wants me to leave him immediately as she thinks that there is nothing like love in Islam. I don’t want to lie to her, but I don’t want to leave him as he makes me a better person. He needs my support to study and make decisions. He is currently applying to universities, and if I leave him, he’ll lose all motivation.
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for not wanting to lie to your mother, and may He reward you for your good intentions
Relationship
Although the relationship that you have with him seems like an innocent and supportive one, it is not allowed in Islam without a nikah. You should start with repentance and then do as your mother says. Ask your suitor to come and propose to your family after his degree is done. I know that this might take a long time, but you can’t go on chatting and hanging out with him for four years either. This will show you if he is really serious about you. If he loses motivation to study just by not being in contact with you, I wonder if he is the right man for you.
Choose for Religion
Take the advice of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari; Muslim]
Allah will make your decision easy, by His grace, if you set your intention right and marry for religion.
Honestly, you must be prepared that your parents do not permit you to marry him. If I were you, I would try to detach emotionally and accept whatever comes your way. If you don’t, the heartbreak could be worse. Remember this important hadith. Abu Qatada (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Most High but that Allah will replace it with something better for you.” [Ahmad]
Turn to Allah
Turn to your Lord in the meantime by learning the religion correctly and applying it in the best way that you can. Pray on time, read the Quran every day, pray istikhara, and make dua in the last third of the night for clarity and guidance. Take a course on marriage with us to prepare yourself. Guard your heart, and don’t get emotionally attached to any man until you marry with your parents’ blessing. Submit to that which Allah facilitates and leave that which Allah makes difficult, and you will find peace in the decision, in sha’ Allah.
Please see these links as well:
- Istikhara, The Prayer of Seeking Guidance: The Ultimate Guide – A Reader
- What Are Some of the Signs of a Positive or Negative Istikhara?
- Marrying My Boyfriend
- Sinful Relationship and Marriage
- Should I Marry My Boyfriend, or Break Off the Relationship?
- Should I Wait for My Boyfriend Who Says That He Will Marry Me One Day?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
