How Do I Choose between Potential and Established Suitor?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
How do I choose from two marriage proposals? One started five months ago, but after months of planning, my mom rejected him because of his past and not being able to graduate. He was religious but currently unemployed due to the pandemic and his parents’ circumstances.
The second is a new proposal, a doctor who has still to meet me but has already spoken with my mother. I am a doctor myself. The first one is willing to propose again, despite my mother still being against it, and I lean toward him, too.
Answer
I empathize with your confusion and frustration, but I feel that you need to think with your head and not your heart.
Istikhara
First and foremost, you need to have a reason for considering the first suitor. Are you emotionally attached to him? Have you considered being in an illicit relationship with him? Do you honestly feel that he is the best man for you, your personality, and your career? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I feel that you have to go with logic and not feelings. Istikhara is perfect for this, as you are asking Allah to simply point you to the right man. Follow your istikhara, to begin with: Istikhara
Parents
The bottom line is that a girl can’t marry without her father’s permission. Have you discussed the matter with him? Will he discuss it with your mother? If you are trying to convince your parents of the first suitor, and your istikhara has been positive, you should do so openly, politely, and clearly. Sit with them and tell them that you are convinced that the first suitor is the right man and that they should sit down with him one more time, at least, to make their final decision. Tell them to give him a fair chance. Be prepared for acceptance or rejection.
Turn to Allah
Turn to Allah with the sincere intention that you are marrying the man you choose, sincerely for your religion, and place all your trust in Him. Pray all your prayers on time, read some Quran every day, and make dhikr during your free time. Learn as much as you can about our beautiful religion and try to apply it in your life, especially, take a course on Islamic Marriage. Make repentance daily, make a daily routine of work, study, worship, and serving others. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next. See these links as well:
Why Did My Parents Reject My Potential Suitor?
My Mother Rejects Suitors Even Before I Meet Them. What Do I Do?
What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
