Is It Permissible To Marry Someone That Your Parents Have Refused?

Shafi'i Fiqh

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I’ve been talking to a guy online for some time. He’s very polite and educated and has helped me overcome a lot of my life struggles. I often feel extremely suffocated and depressed as I live in a very toxic household where I am made to feel like an unworthy animal, and this man always knows how to make me smile. We never meet in person, and when we happen to see each other he lowers his gaze and politely greets me. I can be sure his intentions are good. The problem is that I was forced to stop talking to him, and it’s been over a year now. I know my father will refuse him because he wasn’t my father’s finding.

I’m afraid I’ll be forced to marry someone else and live a miserable life. What should I do?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this hardship with your father and I pray that you can communicate your feelings and be patient with what happens.

Permission

It is not permissible to marry someone that your father has refused because your guardian’s permission is required for your nikah. The best thing that you can do is speak to him, and try to make him understand your feelings. Also, pray istikhara and ask him to pray it, too. Finally, your suitor should come with his family and propose to your father directly. This way he gets to meet your father and your father can judge him for himself.

Gender Interaction

The problem is that you have been speaking to him and gotten attached to him. You turned to him in your time of need, as one does a friend, and you now can’t imagine marrying someone but him. I admire that you both restrained yourselves physically, but an emotional relationship is nonetheless impermissible. Repent to Allah for having gotten close, and ask him to guide you in this matter, whether to guide you to it or away from it.

Turn to Allah

Turn to Allah, and show Him your sincerity by learning about your religion correctly, praying on time, reading Quran daily, and eliminating all the haram from your life. Be content with whatever happens, marrying him or having to walk away.

In the meantime, do take a course on marriage here at Seekers, to prepare yourself for it. It is the best thing that you can do for yourself:
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage

Finally, keep in mind this prophetic hadith: “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah, the Almighty, but that Allah will replace it with something better.” [Musnad of Ahmad]

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.