Can You Advise Me on My Mother Still Not Liking My Convert Wife?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I married an English convert four years ago, but my mother has struggled to accept the marriage due to cultural differences. While my wife tries to engage, tensions remain, and I now feel overwhelmed by the situation, especially with a child involved. Do you have any advice?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your situation and I pray that your mother comes to accept her. Until then, continue to be patient, exemplify good character, and fulfill your responsibilities to both.
Mother’s Rank
Allah (Most High) said in the Quran, “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Quran, 17:23]
A person came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and asked, “Who among people is most deserving of my fine treatment?” He said, ”Your mother.” He again asked, “Who next?” ”Your mother,” the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) replied again. He asked, “Who next?” He said again, “Your mother.” He again asked, “Then who?” Thereupon he said, “Then your father.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
In another narration: “O Messenger of Allah! Who is most deserving of my fine treatment?” He said, “Your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then your nearest, then nearest.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
Ibn ‘Umar (Allah be pleased with him) saw a Yemeni man circumambulating the Ka‘ba, carrying his mother on his back, saying: “I am her humble camel; if other mounts spook easily, I do not.” Then he said: “O Ibn ‘Umar, do you think I have paid her back?” He said: “No, not even one contraction.” [Bukhari]
Patience
The best thing you can do is to display noble character and be patient. Your wife will grow on her, and one day, in sha Allah, they will become friends. Show your mother that your wife has brought out the best in you. Be extra nice to her, call her regularly, buy her gifts, bring her coffee or food from outside, and tell her that your wife is constantly telling you to do nice things for her. Be the first one to help her.
Your wife and mother don’t need to sit down and have amazing conversations for things to be OK, the best relationship is when your mother knows she can trust your wife and rely on her, even if they barely talk. Focus on being good, and you will receive much good in return by Allah’s grace. In the meantime, I urge you never to let these tensions cause friction between you and your wife.
Dua
I urge you to make these supplications daily:
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً
˹They are those who pray, “Our Lord! Bless us with ˹pious˺ spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]
رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
“My Lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me.” [Quran, 28:24]
يا مُقَلِّبَ القُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبي عَلى دِينِك
Shahr Ibn Hawshab reported: I asked Umm Salama (Allah be pleased with her), “O Mother of the Believers! Which supplication did the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) make frequently when he was in your house?” She said: ‘He (Allah bless him and give him peace) supplicated frequently: ‘Ya muqallibal-qulubi, thabbit qalbi ‘ala dinika (O Controller of the hearts make my heart steadfast in Your religion).’” [Tirmidhi].
Please see these links as well:
- I Am Stuck Between My Mother and My Wife. What Does Islam Say?
- My Wife Doesn’t Get Along With My Mother. What Do I Do?
- New to Islam Reader: A Trusted Collection of Resources for Converts
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.