How Can I Transform Myself and Make My Parents Stop Hating Me?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am 19 and am living with my parents, so basically my parents aren’t talking to me, I don’t know if I am disowned. They think I hate them. Every time I try to talk about my trauma with them, they shut me down, my dad even once wanted to kill me because I didn’t want to go to a school party. I thought I was really going to die that day because my whole family was holding him back.

Both my parents physically and mentally abuse me and gaslight me. My mom insults me, curses me, body shames me, and tells me I am destined to hell. Every time I tried to talk to them it has always backfired.  My mom told me she has 8 kids, so losing one isn’t a problem.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am so sorry for your previous trauma and I pray that you resolve your differences with your parents.

Wellness

It sounds to me that you should start with getting yourself diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist. You might have a disorder of some sort, and it could be serious. You would just be setting yourself up to harm or be harmed if you don’t get probably diagnosed. Of course, you are not responsible for the actions of another, but you should seek treatment so as to find peace and purpose in your life.

Please see these links:
Being Balanced – Emotional and Mental Health- Shaykh Abdurrahim Reasat
Mental Wellness Workshop: Balkhi’s The Health of Bodies and Souls

Parents

Getting along with parents can be very difficult, especially if there is anger, a different mindset, and a lack of communication involved. I suggest you take these steps just as a start and ask Allah for success and ease.

  • Don’t speak to them about your trauma, they can’t help you
  • Choose silence over talking back to them
  • Pray with them
  • Serve them as best you can by doing little things they like
  • Read when situations are about to get heated, and leave
  • Try not complaining about anything for a year

Please see these links:
How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?
Dealing Problems With Abusive Father
6 Ways To Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents
How Do I Calm My Worries?
Asking From God – The Art of Supplication: A Comprehensive Reader

Turn to Allah

Turn to Allah during this trial, and ask Him to guide you and help you. Supplicate to Him with the Prayer of Need, for He really is the only One who can send you the solution because He is the one who sent the problem. It is very important right now that you pray on time, read Quran daily, learn your religion, make dhikr (remembrance of God) and rely on Him.

You must be willing to adjust to your parents and be polite to them but firmly stand your ground at refusing and preventing abuse. Take steps for self-care so that you can de-stress and nourish your body, mind, and soul during this difficult time.

Find solace in this beautiful hadith. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When half of the night or two-thirds of it is over, Allah (the Blessed and the Exalted) descends to the lowest heaven and says, ‘Is there any beggar so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? (And Allah continues saying it) till it is daybreak.’” [Muslim]

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.