Do I Have the Right to Move Out, Away from My Toxic Mother?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I’m a Muslim woman who lives with her parents and was raised by a toxic and abusive mother. My parents have been fighting for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried to swallow my pain and tolerate her, simply because she is my mother, but I can’t take it anymore. She curses me often and makes bad duas against me for no reason. How much of that would God listen to?
What really upsets me is that I am the only one among my siblings whom she treats badly. As I write to you now, it’s been more than three days that she refuses to talk to me for no reason. Shouldn’t parents treat their children equally in Islam? I’m thinking about moving out, can I do that if I’m not married?
Thank you for your question. May Allah aid you in healing from this abuse and know that you are loved by Allah and that you have every right to be respected and treated without silent treatment.
Although a parent’s supplications are heard and can be accepted at any time, Allah knows who is the oppressor and the oppressed, and that is a factor. Please see this detailed answer about parents cursing their children below. Also, make repentance a habit, for Allah loves to forgive. You may have wronged your mother or disrespected her at some point, so you must repent, and intend never to repeat it.
Allah Most High says in His book, “Say: My servants who have wronged yourselves, never despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” [Quran, 39:53]
Parents cursing their children:
Cursing: Does it really affect one?
Turn to Allah
What you should do is be the absolute best that you can be, in your this-worldly affairs and in your religion. Educate yourself, exercise, eat healthily, gain sacred knowledge, commit to all of your religious obligations, supplicate to Allah before dawn, serve those around you, pray for your parents, and adorn yourself with good character. Give charity for the Prophet told us this, “Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Tirmidhi]
When you do all of this and focus on Allah’s good pleasure, and are grateful, more blessings will come your way, and you will find peace even with your chaotic family.
It is permissible to move out to escape your abuser even if you are not married. However, in the spirit of goodness to one’s parents, I advise you not to cut her off. With therapy and healing, and many supplications, you should figure out a way to minimally interact with her, such that you don’t suffer. For now, you should protect yourself and find some coping mechanisms while living with her. Be sure to see a therapist for your issues, so you can talk to someone about this.
Please see the ruling about moving out here:
As a Woman, Can I Move Out of My Abusive Mother’s Home?
I Am a Young, Unmarried Woman in a Chaotic Family Home. Is It Permissible for Me to Move Out?
Can I, as a Woman, Live on My Own? [Shafi’i]
Please use these resources for mental wellness and healing:
How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?
How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
How Do I Deal with My Abusive, Toxic, and Mentally Ill Mother
Can I Stop Seeing My Mother Who Manipulates Me and Doesn’t Defend Me?
How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)?
Find solace in this hadith: The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.